More Than Life
by Handwritten
Summary: He didn't want to tell her he loved her. He couldn't put that kind of weight on her shoulders...not anyone's. It was the least he could do, for all she'd managed to do for him. Namixas.
1. Secretive

**More Than Life**

_I don't want to tell her that  
__I love her_

_

* * *

_

Roxas sat, plucking idly on a guitar, his small apartment quiet except for the dull drone of the fridge. He didn't realize he was humming her favourite song until it was too late, and he set the instrument beside him. He stared at the clock, knowing she was probably driving home from work right now.

He could picture it clearly. Her thin hands, clasping the steering wheel. Her gaze unwavering from the road ahead. He could hear her laugh. He could see her smile. He could taste her on his tongue. He could feel her skin grazing against his.

With a shiver, he let his head drop into his hands, feeling a sense of loss. She was gone. The girl who knew him inside and out. The girl he had loved since...forever.

She probably couldn't stand to think about him.

And, sadly, it was for the best.

* * *

_The two of them had been entwined on the couch long since the movie had ended. Naminé's fingers trailing up and over his shoulder, a content expression on her face. The moment was so perfect, the words just slipped past her lips._

"_I love you, Roxas." Naminé whispered. Roxas, who had his cheek resting in her soft hair, stiffened and couldn't reply – he simply straightened up, looking away. She watched him, growing confused as he continued to direct his gaze anywhere but her._

"_What's wrong, Roxas?" She edged closer. "Do-Do you not love me?" _

_Roxas couldn't bring himself to move, and hurt flashed across her face. He could feel it on the tip of his tongue – words he knew she deserved – but there was no way he could speak them. He didn't want to be the one to tell her._

"_I see." Naminé said quietly, untangling herself from his arms, standing. Roxas reached out, grabbing ahold of her wrist, but she gently pulled herself away._

"_W-Wait, Nam-"_

"_No, it's okay." Naminé said firmly, even though her bottom lip wobbling. "I understand, Roxas. I'm just being silly. I-I'll see you soon." And she grabbed her sweater, quickly leaving his apartment._

_The male tilted his head back, looking up at the ceiling. 'But I love you, Naminé. More than anyone.'_

_

* * *

_

Roxas didn't call her. He couldn't give her what she needed – he was, on so many levels, the wrong guy for her. He was too crass, and too out of control.

He had an expiration date that was fast approaching.

She should have someone who truly deserved her; who could hold her tightly for the rest of her life. The person who would be free to grow old with her. To be the husband she dreamed about - someone who could protect and love her, for as long as she needed such.

But, even though he thought all this, there was no way could fight how he felt about her. He loved her – he loved her with everything he had. Maybe it was selfish of him to keep it going for so long – but he wanted to spend that little bit of time he had left with her. _With you, Naminé._

He had never lived a normal life, yet he never let her catch on. The secret visits to the hospital...hiding things...it had taken a large enough toll on him.

Even with all that he had been through, he had continued this _relationship _with her. For some reason, he couldn't bring himself to end it. He wanted to tell her everything - _"I only have a short amount of time left to live. There's nothing I can do."_ and _"You're all that I want. You keep me fighting."_

That was a weight he didn't want to put on her shoulders. On _anyone's_ shoulders.

So, with a small groan, he lay back on the couch.

And tried not to think.

* * *

_It would be wrong for me to say_

_I don't need that girl by my side_

_I don't need that girl in my life_

_I don't want to talk it out_

_Or hold her when she cries_

_

* * *

_

It was a few days later when Sora came to the door, an anxious look on his face. Roxas didn't step back, or invite him inside, so Sora stood outside the doorway.

"Naminé called me." He explained. "She was worried about you."

Roxas nodded. "I'm fine. Just feeling a bit off lately, I suppose." He mumbled, unusually quiet.

His friend frowned, "Are you sure? You don't...look so good." Roxas didn't respond, and Sora sighed. "Roxas...you can talk to me. What happened between you and Naminé? You two were-"

"I don't want her." Roxas said, sounding so desperate that Sora grew even more worried.

"What? What do you mean? She was your...-"

Roxas was quiet, and Sora didn't finish his sentence. "She was never mine, Sora." Roxas told him, before closing the door without another word.

He locked it, stumbling to his living room, just making through the doorway. He slid onto the carpet, trying to ease his breath. His heart pounded unevenly; and as he slept, he cried like a child.

* * *

_I don't want to say she's my kind_

_I don't want to say that she's mine_

_I don't want to tell her that_

_I love her more than life_

_

* * *

_

Out in the hallway, Sora looked away from the closed door, to his right. In the dim lighting of the hallway, Naminé stood, leaning against the wall, clutching one arm around her middle.

Tears were streaming down her face, and her other hand was pressed against her mouth as she tried to quiet herself. Sora shook his head sadly, before pulling her into a hug, leading her away. She turned back once, stealing a glance at the closed door._ I still love you._

From inside, in his sleep, Roxas dreamt of a crying face, with a familiar sob taking him further and further away from reality.

* * *

_I'm just having conversations_

_With the thoughts in my head_

_All I hear are angels crying_

_Oh, won't they just sing instead_

_

* * *

_

**Author's Note:**_ Okay _– this oneshot started out to be Roxas having trouble telling Naminé that he loved her (hence the first flashback) – but later on, as I was listening to David Choi's _That Girl_, I kind of became entranced by the lyrics. I used my own take on the words (in other words, I made it dark o.o), and turned it into...this.

I hope you liked it ^-^ I was in an angsty mood. You know how we fanfic-authors get.

Note - in my head, Naminé's favourite song (which Roxas hummed at the beginning) was Hallelujah. It was stuck in my head.

**I'm not sure if I'll continue this (turning it into a twoshot) – do you think the ending is too unsatisfying? Do you want some kind of closure? :O Let me know. I'd love to hear what you think.**


	2. Determined

**More Than Life**

* * *

_Out in the hallway, Sora looked away from the closed door, to his right. In the dim lighting of the hallway, Naminé stood, leaning against the wall, clutching one arm around her middle._

_Tears were streaming down her face, and her other hand was pressed against her mouth as she tried to quiet herself. Sora shook his head sadly, before pulling her into a hug, leading her away. She turned back once, stealing a glance at the closed door. 'I still love you.'_

_From inside, in his sleep, Roxas dreamt of a crying face, with a familiar sob taking him further and further away from reality._

* * *

Naminé had walked past his apartment building at least a dozen times since that night. The night where, unbeknownst to Roxas, Naminé had become determined to find out the reason behind Roxas' sudden change.

She recalled the new edge to his voice when he said – to Sora – that he didn't want her. It wasn't him. He sounded defeated; like someone who had given up long ago.

_But that can't be true, can it?_

In the many months before, there had been nothing but happiness between the two of them. Endless evenings – turning into nights spent in between each others sheets. What had been different that night?

Naminé had thought those minutes – and every minute leading up to it – so many times, she had lost count. When she had said those words, he had recoiled. Drawn away from her.

Then again, it wasn't the first time...right? There had been other nights where had abruptly cancelled their plans. His excuses had seemed so plausible at the time, but looking back, just what was he trying to hide?

Had she been so blind as to not notice him slowly moving away from her? How long had he been doing that?

Naminé stood outside his building, one hand tucked in her pocket, the other yanking the scarf down from where it had been covering her mouth. With her breath clouding in front of her, she once again stared at his window.

How long had it been? At least a month. She had given up on calling his house after the first week. Sora, when asked, merely shrugged and said he didn't know. Naminé could catch a lie when she heard it, but Sora said he had the respect the wishes of both sides, whatever that meant. She assumed he didn't want to be the middleman.

His window was dark, as usual. Which Naminé couldn't understand. Roxas liked the light – he flourished in it. He had always said people like the dark because it's easy to hide behind.

_But what had Roxas been trying to keep from her?_

Naminé walked up the steps of the building, pausing by the list of the tenants. Her finger hovered over the button next to his name. She had just made up her mind to press it when the door opened. It was just a woman who lived in the building, and she smiled at Naminé as she passed.

Feeling her heart pound, Naminé caught the door as it swung closed, and let herself in. She took the stairs to the second floor two at a time, and at the top, smoothed her hair as she caught her breath.

Pulse accelerating, Naminé neared his door. She remembered asking Sora to talk to Roxas – but with her safely out of sight. It was only when she was right in front of his door when she remembered the key in her pocket.

Making up her mind, she knocked once. When there wasn't any answer from inside, Naminé fit the key into the lock.

She slowly opened the door, wincing as it creaked loudly. It was too dark to see anything, and she had to feel along the wall until she could find the switch. The overhead light filled the room, and Naminé gazed from side to side.

"Roxas?" She whispered, taking another step inside.

There was his guitar, propped against the wall. The couch cushions were in disarray, some on the floor. Something didn't feel right about the room. Everything looked as if it always had, but there was something... _off_.

She only momentarily peeked inside bedroom. It was empty, with the blankets and sheets twisted around each other, like he had crawled out of bed only a few minutes ago. She pictured him walking sleepily to the kitchen, making himself a bowl of cereal like he did every morning.

Naminé passed by the phone, seeing the new message light blinking red. In the kitchen, Naminé gazed at the counter. At the end, there was a carton of milk sitting, stoic. As if he really had just left – forgetting to put it back in the fridge.

There was a dull _crunch._

The hairs stood straight on the back of her neck. Naminé looked down, realizing she had stepped on something. She took another step forward. _Crunch_.

That's when she saw the bowl laying upside on the floor, with cereal spread around it like blood surrounding a body. The spoon was also laying discarded on the ground.

Panic rose in her stomach. Naminé reached down and picked up a handful of cereal. It didn't feel right. It had long gone stale, she could tell.

On the counter, the milk carton emitted a foul smell. She picked it up and shook it. It had gone bad – _really_ bad. A sick sloshing sound matched the feeling in her throat.

She stumbled out of the kitchen, past the phone with all her messages on it which he never heard. How long had he been gone for? A week? Two weeks?

The small table by the door was bare. Naminé laid her hand on the spot where the picture of him and her – smiling, caught by surprise by the camera – had always sat. When she took her hand away, there was a fine layer of dust coating it.

Numb, she locked the door behind her. As she turned around, she almost bumped into an older woman walking past to the next door.

"Oh, are you looking for the nice young man who lives here?" A look of sympathy crossed her face, and Naminé felt her unease heighten.

"Um. Yes." She finally found her voice. "Do you know where he is?"

The woman blinked behind her glasses, looking uncomfortable. "I'm sorry, I'm not exactly sure of the situation, you see. But it was quite a while ago that...well, there were a few problems. He wasn't well. But the men who came along said it didn't look critical at this point."

Her mouth went dry. "Men? What men?"

"Well...the paramedics. With the ambulance. It was a while ago, you see, and I'm not sure of all the details. But I'm sure he's alright." She added, noticing the expression on Naminé's face.

Naminé quickly thanked her, before starting down the hallway. Roxas was sick? How long had this been going on for?

Why hadn't anyone _told_ her?

* * *

**Author's Note: **Whooaaaa! I finally decided to continue this. I've always wanted to, and now that summer's come around... :D I have time.

I understand if you had to go back and reread the first chapter...it's almost been an entire year!

I think I'll be wrapping this story up in another three chapters or so. :)


	3. Ruthless

**More Than Life**

* * *

_Her mouth went dry. "Men? What men?"_

"_Well...the paramedics. With the ambulance. It was a while ago, you see, and I'm not sure of all the details. But I'm sure he's alright." She added, noticing the expression on Naminé's face._

_Naminé quickly thanked her, before starting down the hallway. Roxas was sick? How long had this been going on for?_

_Why hadn't anyone **told **her?_

* * *

"Sora!" Naminé pounded on his door, her cheeks flaming red, chest heaving from the run. She had gone directly to his house after leaving Roxas' building. Anger was blooming inside of her. She had a right to know if Roxas – her dearest friend, the man she thought she knew – was sick.

"Sora. Open up!" She hollered again, feeling weak as she leaned against the door. The wood was cool against her forehead, and her eyes closed. "...Sora..."

"Naminé?" Sora opened the door, and Naminé felt herself slipping towards him. "Whoa-! Naminé?" He pulled her inside, and closed the door behind her. He guided her to the chair near the door, letting her sit. "What are you doing here? You look-"

"I went to Roxas' apartment." Naminé quickly said, her hands shaking. "There wasn't a-anyone there. There was... He's gone. She – she said they took him away in an ambulance."

"She? Who's she?" Sora asked slowly, a pained look on his face. But not one of surprise. _He knows exactly what I'm talking about._

Naminé glared at him. "He's sick, and he didn't tell me. _You _didn't tell me. I thought – I thought I could trust you, Sora. I don't understand."

"I know, Naminé. And I'm so sorry – you don't know how much I wanted to tell you." Sora rushed to assure her. "But Roxas – he made me promise. He didn't want you to know."

"I need to see him." Naminé stood, taking a step towards the door. "Where is he?"

"No – Naminé." Sora grabbed her wrist, and while Naminé tried to pull away, he succeeded in forcing her back into the chair. "First, you have to let me explain. You...you shouldn't see him without knowing. Everything."

"...Fine." Naminé sunk into the chair, defeated. As Sora began to explain, Naminé couldn't help but wonder what exactly kept Roxas from trusting her enough to tell her.

"Roxas has been in the hospital the past few weeks. Last month - a few days after you two... well - he collapsed. In the morning. I had been going to visit him, and got there early, so it wasn't long before he was taken into care." He took a deep breath. "He's dying, Naminé." The usual cheeriness was gone from his eyes. There was only a look of acceptance there. Sora had known for long enough to get over the disbelief and confusion. The rejection. He had spent months by Roxas' side – being the one to lead him out of those stages.

He was there for him, while Naminé was content; kept in the dark.

And yet, Naminé was feeling all these emotions in the span of a few minutes. Trying to cram all of the information into her mind. Make sense of it all.

"How long has he known?" She finally asked.

"Since last March. That's when the first symptoms showed up." Sora replied, his hands folded on his lap. "It seems to have been hereditary. His great-grandfather had a similar disease. He died after ten months. It's been eight months for Roxas. He went into palliative care a few months ago.

"He's denying extensive treatment, Naminé. He doesn't want to prolong his life if it'll pain him more later on. He'd rather be comfortable in these last few months."

Suddenly, Sora seemed so mature. Like he was telling a child that their parents were splitting up.

Naminé was that child.

* * *

She tried to think of all the signs she hadn't cared to look into. The times she had noticed he was feverish, but he had only waved her off. And she _let_ him. It must mean something if Roxas was able to hide it for so long.

The helplessness was back. "There's nothing I- anyone can do?"

"It's a terminal disease, Nam. There's no known cure. All they can do his help relieve the symptoms. And it's not contagious, or anything – it was just deteriorating his insides. Breaking it down. Eventually his heart will stop, all on its own. Too weak to support his body." Sora had never been one to sugarcoat.

Naminé held her fist against her mouth, trying to piece everything together. Guilt ran through her. What had she done wrong? Why hadn't he told her?

She must have spoken out-loud, because Sora reached over and touched her cheek. "You kept him going, Naminé. You don't know how many terminal patients end up committing suicide. He loves you. He really does. But he didn't want you to... get too attached."

"Roxas isn't some kitten I found on the street." Naminé said quietly. "He's a human being, just like the rest of us. Why are you -" Her stare hardened at the lack of anguish on Sora's face. "Why have you given up already?"

"It's not giving up, Naminé. There's no point in tip-toeing around something staring you in the face." Sora looked down at his hands. "Roxas has accepted this...and I don't want you to go see him until you understand that." He took another breath, rubbing the side of his head. "I admit - I had false hopes at the beginning. Maybe he could pull through. Beat the odds. But, eventually, you just come to realize that life is brief, and some have to go sooner than others."

Naminé stared at the ceiling, tears pooling in the corners of her eyes.

"Roxas is like a brother to me, Naminé." Sora's voice cracked. "I would give anything for him not to go. But it's-" At this, tears dripped down both their cheeks. "Oh, god, Naminé. You don't know how many times I've wished for all this to go away."

They continued to sit there in silence until their eyes were dry.

* * *

Both Sora and Naminé stood outside Roxas' room in the hospital the next morning. The drive to the hospital had been a sober event; neither spoke much, both being lost in their own thoughts. Sora had made Naminé stay the night, saying she should have some time to digest the news.

Surprisingly, she had managed to get a few hours of sleep. The exhaustion of the discoveries had left her tired, and now that she felt rested, she didn't feel as anxious as she thought she would. The hospital was bright, with the windows along the corridor letting the sun shine inside. It was almost comforting to know Roxas had been surrounded by support here, instead of cooped up in his apartment like before.

On this floor, there wasn't any sense of panic in the air. It felt almost calm. In each room, there were different people with different stories – and all of their lives were coming to an end. This side of the hospital was for those without a second chance.

Sora didn't say anything – he just looked at me, a quick glance – before opening the door.

Blue eyes turned to them immediately, and Naminé's heart lurched.

"Roxas..."

* * *

**Author's Note: **:D I'm glad everyone's happy with More Than Life so far! I'll be updating early tomorrow.


	4. Heartfelt

**More Than Life**

* * *

_Sora didn't say anything – he just looked at me, a quick glance – before opening the door. _

_Blue eyes turned to them immediately, and Naminé's heart lurched._

"_Roxas..."_

* * *

"Naminé." Roxas was sitting up in his hospital bed, a book on his lap. He hadn't changed, really – except he had lost weight, and strain was written across his face. "Naminé. You're here."

"How..." _How are you? Can I still ask him that?_ "...Hi." Naminé quickly stepped inside, while Sora stayed at the door.

"You told her." Roxas stated, and Naminé began to see how serious Roxas was about her not finding out. He didn't meet her eyes, instead focusing solely on Sora.

The brunette shook his head. "No, she found out on her own. You didn't cover your tracks as well as you thought you did." He smiled, "I'm going to get some coffee." With a pointed look directed at Naminé, he left.

It was quiet in the room; a muted electronic hum came from a small machine beside his bed. He was wearing a plain, dull blue shirt, and his hair stood up on end. Other than that, the room was sparse. There weren't any flowers, or cards. She did notice the picture - the picture of the two of them - was standing on the windowsill.

There were so many questions she wanted to ask, but at that moment, she couldn't think of where to start. She sunk into the small cushioned chair against the wall, leaning her chin against her palm. Roxas flipped a page of his book, even though he didn't seem to be reading it. She listened to the sound of his breath. The careful inhale. She had never realized how precious that action was.

"I don't even know what to say." Naminé said with an unsure laugh. "But I guess I'm...I'm glad to see you."

Roxas looked at his hands. "Naminé, I didn't want you to come here." He paused, glancing up at her. She fought to keep the pain she felt at those words at bay. She didn't want him to see how scared she was – scared of him turning her away.

"Even if you say that, I'm still going to come see you." Naminé whispered, "You can't keep running away from me. That's not fair to either of us."

He just looked at the window, and didn't respond. The sky had begun to cloud over, and as he only had the one light in the corner turned on. It was difficult to make out his expression. Figure out what exactly he was thinking, or feeling.

"Roxas, I love you." She finally said - her voice strong in the silence. "Just because you don't say it back, or if you disappear, doesn't mean I'll stop. I wish you could have let me be there with you for-"

"I didn't want it to change." He interrupted her, quietly, as he always had. "Everything was changing so quickly. I had trouble pressing the buttons on my phone. I couldn't run faster than a jog. My family...they couldn't talk to me the same way. Even Sora changed." He looked back to her – meeting her gaze with his own. "I didn't want you to change too."

"So you pretended nothing was wrong for all this time."

"I didn't want you to have to go through this as well."

"You should have given me the choice!" Naminé finally shouted, standing up. "Maybe I wanted to be the one to protect _you_ for a change! You...you hid this from me for my benefit? Or – did you just not want to have one more person to say goodbye to?" Her breath was ragged, but she couldn't stop.

"What – what if it wasn't you, who was sick? What if it was someone else you loved? You would want to know, right? You would want to know, so you could give them everything you had. You would want to know so you didn't feel regretful thinking of all the things you should have done, or should have said."

Her hands dropped to her sides, and she looked to the floor. "You would want to know so you could love them as much as possible before they left."

Moments passed. Naminé felt like dropping back into the chair.

She heard his breath stutter, and she looked up through her hair to see Roxas hunched, pain washing over his face.

"I knew that if I told you, you would say something like that." He started, "Maybe I had convinced myself that I was doing the right thing. I'm not the kind of person who can be with you. I'm not going to live for very long... you need someone who can be by your side forever. But Naminé -" He reached over, and took her hand, pulling her closer. Until her leg was pressing against the metal bars around his bed. She could feel him trembling. "I-I didn't want to have to say goodbye to you. It was easier to make you be the one who left me."

Naminé wrapped her other arm around his thinning shoulders. She felt the weakness of his bones, and held onto him.

"I never left you, Roxas. I'm still here. I want to be with you until the end, okay?" He nodded, his breath warm against her skin. She continued, voice soft. "It's not goodbye...it's...it's an 'I'll see you soon.'. Even if you're not going to be able to...grow old with me, or whatnot, I still want to be with you. I don't mind. I'd rather be with you for this little, short time, than not be with you at all."

"Naminé." He pulled her down to him, and their lips met. Their kisses were like whispers. Even after they pulled away, they continued to lean against each other.

"I do love you, Naminé. I love you more than anyone. Don't leave."

Their breathing slowed. The tension left. He squeezed her gently.

"Stay."

* * *

**Author's Note:** :') Oh, Roxas. you so sweet. Next chapter will be the final one :D Reviews are appreciated (anything you want me to tie up in the last chapter?)


	5. Forever

**More Than Life**

* * *

_"Naminé." He pulled her down to him, and their lips met. Their kisses were like whispers. Even after they pulled away, they continued to lean against each other._

_"I do love you, Naminé. I love you more than anyone. Don't leave."_

_Their breathing slowed. The tension left. He squeezed her gently._

_"Stay."_

* * *

Roxas' final months passed by. In that short time, Roxas was able to sing her favourite song to her four times. She read his favourite book to him twice.

He outlived his great-grandfather by two weeks, and four days. But each day, he still had a smile on his face. He was happy to announce he was _"Still kickin'." _

Even as it constantly loomed in the background, both Roxas and Naminé didn't avoid the topic of his death. They talked about it, without hesitation or looking away. But they also talked about when he was born. His childhood. Her childhood. They looked through pictures, and laughed at the memories they had long since tucked away. They watched the movies they had always meant to, but never had time for. Time passed fluidly; neither of them clung to something they couldn't control.

They were content to watch it pass by with a lightened heart.

The regrets and sorrow had passed - and they were finally able to just _be_. There weren't any more secrets. They were truly together.

Sora was around more often than not. On that day when Roxas and Naminé had reconciled, he had walked in a few minutes later, immediately dropping the coffee, and running over to pull them both into a hug.

_"Man, I love you guys."_ He had whispered, squeezing them tightly.

His shaking hands finally stilled.

* * *

In the last week before he passed away, Naminé took him in a wheelchair to the lake near the hospital. That was the last time they cried together. Not out of sadness. There was a sense of acceptance lingering in their tears as they stared out at the water. She rested her head on his shoulder, and he stroked her hair.

"_I love you._"

_"Forever?"_

_"Forever."_

They kissed for the last time the day before his death. They hugged hours earlier.

But her hands held his until the very last second.

"I'll see you soon." She told him. He could only nod in return, before closing his eyes.

His heart stopped, and Naminé kissed his fingers.

"Soon."

* * *

**Author's Note: **Thanks for sticking with me... :D had fun writing this all out. Please review with any suggestions/ideas for future stories and oneshots. You have no idea how much they help!


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